Dog days of sports go on

first_imgThere’s a reason they call the worst part of the year the “dog days of summer,” why the worst sick you can be is “sick as a dog” and why whenever you see something terrible (like Michael Bolton, Battlefield Earth or the XFL), it’s “for the dogs.” It’s just not all it’s cracked up to be being a canine. I mean sure, we get to play, sleep and eat just about exclusively for our entire lifetime, but it is not the posh life you might think it is, even though we can put our noses in anyone’s butt with no repercussions.How would you like to eat crusty cardboard-esque kibbles at least twice a day and smell vomit from three blocks away — in Madison, at that?It’s a dog’s life, I tell you. It’s why Rodney Dangerfield could only play one animal when they made a cartoon about him (Rover Dangerfield). And there is never any real escape. I made another sad discovery in the long, sad tail — err, tale that is the history of man’s best friend (until there is only one slice of pizza left).I decided to just curl up on the futon and watch some college football this past Saturday night, with the Georgia Bulldogs taking on the Tennessee Volunteers. I figured it was a no-lose situation. Either the Dawgs would win or Smokey, the little hound dog for the Vols, would prevail. Of course, I couldn’t have been more wrong if I’d chewed up that green paper with numbers … again.The Bulldogs were blown away at home by a Tennessee offense that was simply unstoppable, and Smokey … wasn’t there. I looked. I sniffed. I howled out searching for answers. But ESPN just refused to show the Kennedy of dogs (this was Smokey IX, I believe).Where my dogs at? Where is our pride? Can we never win, even when we win? It was then I realized dogs get the shaft in sports, just like they do everywhere else.In the realm of sports, my kind is more doomed than an unattended T-bone steak at a doggie birthday party in Milwaukee’s third ward (they exist, it’s true!).The Cleveland Browns and their dog pound — shame on them — are only slightly better than a team of felines on catnip on the field, making a game against Oakland look like a game against the ’72 Dolphins. Winning a football game for them is about as hopeless a situation as trying to catch your tail, as they haven’t ever finished out of last place in the AFC North division. Ever.And the Mississippi State Bulldogs continue the disturbing trend, currently occupying the cellar of the SEC, and could be the underdog (yet another insult to pups everywhere) in their home game against Jacksonville State this weekend. It’s only fitting the Bulldogs in Starksville have been victimized by the flea-flicker a couple of times already this season.The Connecticut Huskies? Barely beat Indiana in football a couple weeks ago, managing a mangy 14 points, while bow-wowing out early in the NCAA tournament last spring. But not before they topped the No. 16 seed Albany Great Danes of course. Those fluffy coated prima donnas! Guess what place they are taking up in the Big East right now too … you guessed it. Dead last.The Washington version of the Huskies also blew a big chance, letting Southern Cal get away will little more than a growl just last weekend, failing to put together a game-tying drive several times in the fourth quarter. It was so bad that with two seconds left they couldn’t get the snap off, apparently because they couldn’t hear the whistle. Now, since when do dogs not hear whistles?The play-by-play man for Miami Dolphins games while my owner was growing up, “Mad Dawg” Jim Mandich? Thrown to the curb last season despite a minor uproar in the South Florida community.And what about Big Ben Ruff-lesburger? … No, I’m sorry, I can’t even do that one. That’s a total cat joke … but, still, he sucks now and I hear he’s a dog lover.On top of that I keep hearing from my owner that Randy Moss and Terrell Owens are in the dog house right now. Who invited them into MY home? Give ’em swirlies in that big white water bowl near the bathtub! Get ’em out!No matter where you turn in sports, dogs are losing. Even in the Iditarod where dogs are the only competitors, we lose, as almost half the racers don’t make it to the finish before throwing all fours skyward.But the milk bone that broke this lab’s back is watching the Detroit Tigers romp through the MLB playoffs.No matter how bad things have been in the past, we could always count on the Cats of Detroit to somehow be a little bit worse. But now, the Tigers look to be on their way to a world championship. I also hear that the Bengals are doing well, too. The world has gone crazy.As of right now, consider my membership into the canine fraternity cancelled.I’ve decided that from this day forth, I am the walrus. At least Craig Stadler could finish ahead of the Browns.Marino Labrador is the right paw of sports editor Dave McGrath. If you’d like to console her through the dog days of the college football season, you can reach her at dmcgrath@badgerherald.com or just Facebook her (yes, she’s there).last_img

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